Online Casino Funnies
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave
you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead,
I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing
that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like
who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
"What Happens Here, Stays Here" is getting old, so a contest is being
held for new slogans. Here are the leading contenders:
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse
when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue
playing standing up.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless."
1) Las Vegas: Better than Detroit (Actually, this works for any city.)
2) It's The Gambling, Stupid
3) You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home
4) Where Luck Goes to Die
5) More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't Be Wrong
6) We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry
the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation
any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the
door. The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg
declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come
home.
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!"
She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!"
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"